Have you ever tried to wrestle a goat while blindfolded? We haven’t either but we imagine it would be surreal, confusing, fun, and funny. It’s also one of the only ways we can think to describe Matthew McConaughey’s new memoir Greenlights. Where do we even start? From his memories of growing up with two volatile parents, to original poems, oh and we can’t forget the time his father basically swallowed a parrot’s head to give it mouth to mouth (spoiler; the bird lives) this book is, frankly, bananas, but in the best way possible. Run, don’t walk to your car, get a premium AUX chord, drive around the block 200 times to make sure you get to listen to this. Just to wet your whistle, we’ll leave you with some of our favorite, most bonkers phrases from this entertaining quagmire of a book.
- There is an entire poem where he spells the word enough as enuf, as well as another where he spells the word you as “yu” because he is a cowboy and everyone knows grammar is for nerds and British people.
- “They dropped to their knees then to the bloody ketchup covered linoleum pitch floor and made love.”
Some might prefer roses or chocolates to set the mood, but apparently his parents preferred condiments and bodily harm. We feel like for a truly spicy romantic encounter Frank’s Red Hot would do the job, in a pinch. Will be back with our research.
- “His seed found purchase in the private parts of two particularly swooning American girls.”
What a way to say his Australian exchange student got lucky. Truly original, 10/10 for technical performance, 4/10 for presentation, 200/10 for entertainment value.
- “It was time to chase down my wet dreams”
Was it? Actually every big event in his life seems to have happened after a wet dream, which leads us to believe he should either see a doctor, or he should try to produce and star in what would be the weirdest psychic reality show to date.
- “Springtime and salty.”
His description upon meeting his partner, Camila, the first time. Some woo with Shakespeare. Some describe their love with song or in flowery poems, but for as long as we live, we will now always dream of being described as springtime and salty. It sounds like a delicious gelato flavor.
- “The morning bowel movement makes your back feel better and your eyes bluer, what else do you need?”
This is the most perfect sentence ever constructed, no notes.