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Download You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation Audiobook

Extended Audio Sample Youre Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen Click for printable size audiobook cover
3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (634 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Deborah Tannen Narrator: Cassandra Campbell Publisher: Penguin Random House Format: Unabridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date: January 2006 ISBN: 9781415931707
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Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship.
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.

“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle 



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Quotes & Awards

  • The 'metamessages'--implications behind the spoken words--she decodes in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation are so familiar, it hurts when you laugh. Cathleen Medwick, O Magazine
  • Deborah Tannen's groundbreaking book You Just Don't Understand improved male-female relationships about, oh, 100 percent. Now she's poised to do the same for moms and daughters in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Listen, and get ready to make peace! --Kimberly Tranell, Glamour
  • The illuminating extracts from mother-daughter colloquies that she cites bring to life both the soothing ointment and the ripped-open scars possible in interchanges on ... age-old sources of conflict for this extraordinarily intense kind of relationship. Whitney Scott
  • Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations. The San Francisco Chronicle 

Listener Opinions

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jess | 2/18/2014

    " So I was 2/3 of the way through this book when I went to my sister's house in Colorado. Four generations of women (Grandmother, Mother, two sisters, and three nieces) were staying under the same roof for a three day weekend. I could not believe how spot on Deborah Tannen was with her insights into "metamessages" and the pitfalls we all have with the women we love. She at least gets the daughter end right. I've yet to have personal experience on the mother end. The first few chapters were tough to get through, but persevere. It's worth it. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Rynell | 2/12/2014

    " A good book, some parts felt redundant though. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Alex Baker | 2/11/2014

    " I have to, first and foremost, admit that some of the reason I rated this book as only three stars had to do with the fact that it probably wasn't written for someone like me. Although I have a very close relationship with my mother, and many of the things in the book did, in fact, apply to my relationship with her, the focal point was the relationship between mothers and daughters, not mothers and sons. With that said, I still thought there were some really good things in the book. I particularly liked the chapter about mothers and daughters being worst enemies, as it exposed some of the things I thought had been lacking up to that point: namely, the assumption that perhaps not all argument-initiating comments were meant harmlessly, and that some were perhaps meant maliciously, as ways to control. I also like the final chapter, which (ironically) I liked because it stated just the opposite: that often times comments that seem like criticism may just need a reframe, or clarification with questions and metaconversation. My biggest criticism with this book is simply that I think Tannen consistently takes too much of the perspective of the daughter, failing to account for the emotional and psychological struggles of the mother. It would seem that this could be a result of a few different things. For one, Tannen seams to glean many of her examples from account by her students, which would probably be predominantly daughters, or at least not mothers with adult daughters themselves (since mother/adult daughter interactions are the focal point of the book). Another aspect might be because Tannen never had a daughter of her own. I don't know this, but having so commonly mentioned her mother and not her daughter, one might assume this to be true. In any case, I found myself wanting to advocate for the mothers as I read the book, despite the fact that Tannen even mentions that she tries extra-hard to be even-handed in this respect. She still falls a bit short in my opinion. With that said, I very much recommend this to daughters struggling with their mothers for reasons they might not fully understand, as it may shed some light on a) reasons their troubles are forming, and b) things they might do to fix it. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Marisa | 2/10/2014

    " an interesting take on mother-daughter relationships that i think any mom or daughter can probably relate to. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Debby Funk | 1/30/2014

    " Sometimes I just have to see something in writing before it makes sense. Everything in this book was so "Yes, of course!" but seeing all these examples in one place really put it in perspective for me. It helped me understand why we do what we do, why we say what we say. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Lizzie | 1/28/2014

    " Deborah Tannen never disappoints as she has that ability to speak with her audience in a very confidential manner. Like my mother and like a friend sometimes she speaks on matters, I was a little uncomfortable with. So I had to put the book down and think on how it effected me personally, before taking the subject up again. Want so much to pass on to my mother and daughters both. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Denise | 1/24/2014

    " This is a book that seems to be written for mothers but I do believe that it is great for daughters, and women in general. Again, Deborah Tannen describes how women use converstation MUCH differently than men. We obtain but joy and frustration from these interactions... she highlights aspects of conversation that I never would have realized. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Anne | 1/23/2014

    " An invaluable insight into the sometimes complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. Practical, useful and reassuring. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jeanine Marie Swenson | 1/20/2014

    " I agree with Dr. Tannen when she states that this is the mother of all relationships. This book nicely sums up important communication, psychotherapy, and emotionally focused theory. She humorously and gently makes her points with poignant family stories and anecdotes. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Monica | 1/16/2014

    " Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Deborah | 1/15/2014

    " I bring this book up ALL THE TIME! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Lynn | 1/14/2014

    " I love Deborah Tannen's work but was dubious that I would learn anything new. Boy was I wrong- lots of aha's and insights! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Angie s | 1/8/2014

    " Oh so funny!! It explains so much about my relationship with my mother. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Tierney | 10/28/2013

    " A thorough and interesting examination of why mothers and daughters can be so close and yet drive each other insane sometimes. I'll be recommending it to my own mother! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Sharron | 10/25/2013

    " wish I had read this while my mother was still alive. it would have explained alot. should be read by every woman even if she did communicate well with her mother/daughter/grandmother "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Sonia | 10/19/2013

    " Better for my little girls, than informative for me and my mom. We are at a space beyond most of what she talks about. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jessi | 6/1/2013

    " Enjoyed the stories interspersed with the psychology. Don't know if it applies to my own life but I do like the glimpses into other people's lives. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 James | 5/11/2013

    " Very good explanation of discourse between mothers and daughters "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Dora Traynor | 4/14/2013

    " Although I enjoyed the book, it seemed to only broach subject matter. not go in as much in depth as I would have liked. "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Terri | 10/21/2012

    " Not at all what I thought it would be. Very disappointing. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Christine | 9/4/2012

    " The title captures the misunderstandings that can cause conflict between mothers and daughters. Dr. Tannen collects the most amazing exchanges and seeks healing for all. Communication and relationships remain challenges. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Cindy | 8/10/2012

    " I'm reading this book at the moment thinking how hard it is to be a daughter - and I feel reassured that I am not the only one in the world that has to deal with a mother like mine.. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Janean | 7/2/2012

    " This was an interesting read, especially if you are a daughter or a mother, and many of the discussions will hit home. The only thing that disapointed me was that Tannen never really offers useful and/or practical strategies to help avoid miscommunication between mothers and daughters. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Jan Smith Cannon | 7/22/2011

    " a little disappointed that author only speaks from role of daughter. missing some important points of view of the relationships. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Mari Olsen | 7/19/2011

    " The linguist my husband always wanted me to be (best-selling author). Dead on again. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Amanda | 5/23/2011

    " I loved her business-focused book, "Talking From 9 to 5," so when I saw this for 50 cents at the library sale, I picked it up. It was really good! I definitely recommend it. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Ketti | 5/23/2011

    " Happy Mother's Day! This was the perfect book to read in the month of May. I learned a lot about my relationship with my mother, & most importantly I think that I learned some things I can do to be a better mother & a better mother-in-law. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Ruth | 4/30/2011

    " Great insight into the transactions between mother and daughter...the most complex human relationship God ever invented! If you have a daughter or are one, read it.
    "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Whitney | 4/14/2011

    " Great normalizing read about teen and adult mother-daughter relationships. Helped me gain perspective into my own relationship, why my mom does what she does and why I respond the way I do. Has also given me some insight into how to move forward more easily. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Imen | 3/3/2011

    " Ah-ha! So that's what's going on with my mother. If you have a mother that drives you crazy, or are a mother driving a daughter crazy or vice versa...read some pages. It will enlighten you. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Dora | 11/19/2010

    " Although I enjoyed the book, it seemed to only broach subject matter. not go in as much in depth as I would have liked. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Jill | 10/30/2010

    " Eye opening. Something for all mother's and daughters to read. "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Deborah | 10/19/2010

    " As is the case with so many nonfiction books, I found the writing clunky and the information sparse and repetitive. There just wasn't enough here to make it worth reading, in my opinion. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Tish | 9/16/2010

    " I don't usually get into non-fiction, but this book really hit home. I was amazed at how much sense Tannen's philosophy made to me. And honestly, not only has reading it improved my communication with my mother, but it has improved my relationship with my daughter as well. Worth the read, ladies. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Kelly | 6/20/2010

    " It was ok. I had high hopes because of reading her book about sisters, that I very much loved. But this book, it wasn't the same. Not as enlightening. Interesting - ish. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Ruth | 5/21/2010

    " A linguist's look at mother/daughter relations. 288 pages. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Janice | 2/23/2010

    " This gave me an interesting perspective on why conversations sometimes go a very different than expected with one's mother, and (hopefully) will make me a little less quick to jump to the un-intended conclusion on what's the message behind the words. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Leila | 12/13/2009

    " Interesting book, though I'm not sure I got a lot of helpful ideas about my relationship with my mom, or hers with me. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Monica | 12/11/2009

    " Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Elizabeth | 11/1/2009

    " Started it but couldn't quite get into it. "

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