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Extended Audio Sample Youre Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation Audiobook, by Deborah Tannen Click for printable size audiobook cover
3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (634 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Deborah Tannen Narrator: Deborah Tannen Publisher: Penguin Random House Format: Abridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date: January 2006 ISBN: 9780739313725
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Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship.
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.

“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle 



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Quotes & Awards

  • The 'metamessages'--implications behind the spoken words--she decodes in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation are so familiar, it hurts when you laugh. Cathleen Medwick, O Magazine
  • Deborah Tannen's groundbreaking book You Just Don't Understand improved male-female relationships about, oh, 100 percent. Now she's poised to do the same for moms and daughters in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Listen, and get ready to make peace! --Kimberly Tranell, Glamour
  • The illuminating extracts from mother-daughter colloquies that she cites bring to life both the soothing ointment and the ripped-open scars possible in interchanges on ... age-old sources of conflict for this extraordinarily intense kind of relationship. Whitney Scott
  • Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations. The San Francisco Chronicle 

Listener Opinions

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Alicia | 2/19/2014

    " Subtitle: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Which is exactly what this book is about--how moms and daughters communicate, what they say and what they actually mean. This author rubbed me the wrong way--I just didn't buy her credentials and "supporting evidence." She raised interesting points, but the book overall is not a success. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Monica | 2/18/2014

    " Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Janice | 2/13/2014

    " This gave me an interesting perspective on why conversations sometimes go a very different than expected with one's mother, and (hopefully) will make me a little less quick to jump to the un-intended conclusion on what's the message behind the words. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Becky | 1/22/2014

    " I haven't finished this book, but it was insightful in describing how relationships are not based on what is said, but what is meant and what is thought was meant. :) "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Marisa | 1/6/2014

    " an interesting take on mother-daughter relationships that i think any mom or daughter can probably relate to. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Shaheen | 12/28/2013

    " Some of the observations made by the author were fairly obvious, but some were very interesting; the best part of the book were all the stories told by the mothers and daughters interviewed. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Janean | 12/21/2013

    " This was an interesting read, especially if you are a daughter or a mother, and many of the discussions will hit home. The only thing that disapointed me was that Tannen never really offers useful and/or practical strategies to help avoid miscommunication between mothers and daughters. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Amanda Linehan | 12/19/2013

    " I loved her business-focused book, "Talking From 9 to 5," so when I saw this for 50 cents at the library sale, I picked it up. It was really good! I definitely recommend it. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Tara | 12/8/2013

    " Tannen was a must-read for interpersonal communication classes and is most noted for her research on the differences between male and female communication styles. Aside from obvious issues with mother-daughter communication, there were some surprisingly fresh ideas that she delved into. Good. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jenny | 12/7/2013

    " Insight into the relationships of mother/daughters. Easy read. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 James | 11/30/2013

    " Very good explanation of discourse between mothers and daughters "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Leila | 10/31/2013

    " Interesting book, though I'm not sure I got a lot of helpful ideas about my relationship with my mom, or hers with me. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Sarah Mae | 10/21/2013

    " A fascinating look at how mothers and daughters, and women in general, communicate and miscommunicate. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Mari Olsen | 6/9/2013

    " The linguist my husband always wanted me to be (best-selling author). Dead on again. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Trish | 1/1/2013

    " I was a bit disappointed in this book. In the beginning chapters I found much of what she said to be true but by the end I could not remember why I started reading it in the first place. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Joyce | 11/8/2012

    " Good tips for talking with mom or with daughter. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Anne | 9/30/2012

    " An invaluable insight into the sometimes complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. Practical, useful and reassuring. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Donna Gregorio | 7/30/2012

    " March 2006 book club at Kelly's "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jeanine Marie Swenson | 7/15/2012

    " I agree with Dr. Tannen when she states that this is the mother of all relationships. This book nicely sums up important communication, psychotherapy, and emotionally focused theory. She humorously and gently makes her points with poignant family stories and anecdotes. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Jan Smith Cannon | 4/24/2012

    " a little disappointed that author only speaks from role of daughter. missing some important points of view of the relationships. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Debbie | 12/12/2011

    " It's a very revealing account of how women (especially mothers and daughters) communicate with each other. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Tiffany | 11/1/2011

    " I love that this book reminds you that there are just some things you do not need to say. Ever. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jessi | 9/4/2011

    " Enjoyed the stories interspersed with the psychology. Don't know if it applies to my own life but I do like the glimpses into other people's lives. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Sharron | 6/26/2011

    " wish I had read this while my mother was still alive. it would have explained alot. should be read by every woman even if she did communicate well with her mother/daughter/grandmother "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Amanda | 5/23/2011

    " I loved her business-focused book, "Talking From 9 to 5," so when I saw this for 50 cents at the library sale, I picked it up. It was really good! I definitely recommend it. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Ketti | 5/23/2011

    " Happy Mother's Day! This was the perfect book to read in the month of May. I learned a lot about my relationship with my mother, & most importantly I think that I learned some things I can do to be a better mother & a better mother-in-law. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Ruth | 4/30/2011

    " Great insight into the transactions between mother and daughter...the most complex human relationship God ever invented! If you have a daughter or are one, read it.
    "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Whitney | 4/14/2011

    " Great normalizing read about teen and adult mother-daughter relationships. Helped me gain perspective into my own relationship, why my mom does what she does and why I respond the way I do. Has also given me some insight into how to move forward more easily. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Imen | 3/3/2011

    " Ah-ha! So that's what's going on with my mother. If you have a mother that drives you crazy, or are a mother driving a daughter crazy or vice versa...read some pages. It will enlighten you. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Dora | 11/19/2010

    " Although I enjoyed the book, it seemed to only broach subject matter. not go in as much in depth as I would have liked. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Jill | 10/30/2010

    " Eye opening. Something for all mother's and daughters to read. "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Deborah | 10/19/2010

    " As is the case with so many nonfiction books, I found the writing clunky and the information sparse and repetitive. There just wasn't enough here to make it worth reading, in my opinion. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Tish | 9/16/2010

    " I don't usually get into non-fiction, but this book really hit home. I was amazed at how much sense Tannen's philosophy made to me. And honestly, not only has reading it improved my communication with my mother, but it has improved my relationship with my daughter as well. Worth the read, ladies. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Kelly | 6/20/2010

    " It was ok. I had high hopes because of reading her book about sisters, that I very much loved. But this book, it wasn't the same. Not as enlightening. Interesting - ish. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Ruth | 5/21/2010

    " A linguist's look at mother/daughter relations. 288 pages. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Janice | 2/23/2010

    " This gave me an interesting perspective on why conversations sometimes go a very different than expected with one's mother, and (hopefully) will make me a little less quick to jump to the un-intended conclusion on what's the message behind the words. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Leila | 12/13/2009

    " Interesting book, though I'm not sure I got a lot of helpful ideas about my relationship with my mom, or hers with me. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Monica | 12/11/2009

    " Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Elizabeth | 11/1/2009

    " Started it but couldn't quite get into it. "

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About the Author
Author Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen is the acclaimed author of You Just Don’t Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years; the New York Times bestseller on mother-daughter communication You’re Wearing THAT?; I Only Say This Because I Love You; and many other books. A professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, she appears frequently on national television and radio. The youngest of three sisters, she lives with her husband in the Washington, DC, area.

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