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You're Wearing That? (Abridged): Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation Audiobook
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(3.02) - 673 listener ratings
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Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship. It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own. Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves? Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship. With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives. “Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle
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"I agree with Dr. Tannen when she states that this is the mother of all relationships. This book nicely sums up important communication, psychotherapy, and emotionally focused theory. She humorously and gently makes her points with poignant family stories and anecdotes."
— Jeanine (5 out of 5 stars)
You're Wearing That? Listener Reviews
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" Subtitle: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Which is exactly what this book is about--how moms and daughters communicate, what they say and what they actually mean. This author rubbed me the wrong way--I just didn't buy her credentials and "supporting evidence." She raised interesting points, but the book overall is not a success. "
— Alicia, 2/19/2014 -
" Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "
— Monica, 2/18/2014 -
" This gave me an interesting perspective on why conversations sometimes go a very different than expected with one's mother, and (hopefully) will make me a little less quick to jump to the un-intended conclusion on what's the message behind the words. "
— Janice, 2/13/2014 -
" I haven't finished this book, but it was insightful in describing how relationships are not based on what is said, but what is meant and what is thought was meant. :) "
— Becky, 1/22/2014 -
" an interesting take on mother-daughter relationships that i think any mom or daughter can probably relate to. "
— Marisa, 1/6/2014 -
" Some of the observations made by the author were fairly obvious, but some were very interesting; the best part of the book were all the stories told by the mothers and daughters interviewed. "
— Shaheen, 12/28/2013 -
" This was an interesting read, especially if you are a daughter or a mother, and many of the discussions will hit home. The only thing that disapointed me was that Tannen never really offers useful and/or practical strategies to help avoid miscommunication between mothers and daughters. "
— Janean, 12/21/2013 -
" I loved her business-focused book, "Talking From 9 to 5," so when I saw this for 50 cents at the library sale, I picked it up. It was really good! I definitely recommend it. "
— Amanda, 12/19/2013 -
" Tannen was a must-read for interpersonal communication classes and is most noted for her research on the differences between male and female communication styles. Aside from obvious issues with mother-daughter communication, there were some surprisingly fresh ideas that she delved into. Good. "
— Tara, 12/8/2013 -
" Insight into the relationships of mother/daughters. Easy read. "
— Jenny, 12/7/2013 -
" Very good explanation of discourse between mothers and daughters "
— James, 11/30/2013 -
" Interesting book, though I'm not sure I got a lot of helpful ideas about my relationship with my mom, or hers with me. "
— Leila, 10/31/2013 -
" A fascinating look at how mothers and daughters, and women in general, communicate and miscommunicate. "
— Sarah, 10/21/2013 -
" The linguist my husband always wanted me to be (best-selling author). Dead on again. "
— Mari, 6/9/2013 -
" I was a bit disappointed in this book. In the beginning chapters I found much of what she said to be true but by the end I could not remember why I started reading it in the first place. "
— Trish, 1/1/2013 -
" Good tips for talking with mom or with daughter. "
— Joyce, 11/8/2012 -
" An invaluable insight into the sometimes complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. Practical, useful and reassuring. "
— Anne, 9/30/2012 -
" March 2006 book club at Kelly's "
— Donna, 7/30/2012 -
" a little disappointed that author only speaks from role of daughter. missing some important points of view of the relationships. "
— Jan, 4/24/2012 -
" It's a very revealing account of how women (especially mothers and daughters) communicate with each other. "
— Debbie, 12/12/2011 -
" I love that this book reminds you that there are just some things you do not need to say. Ever. "
— Tiffany, 11/1/2011 -
" Enjoyed the stories interspersed with the psychology. Don't know if it applies to my own life but I do like the glimpses into other people's lives. "
— Jessi, 9/4/2011 -
" wish I had read this while my mother was still alive. it would have explained alot. should be read by every woman even if she did communicate well with her mother/daughter/grandmother "
— Sharron, 6/26/2011 -
" Happy Mother's Day! This was the perfect book to read in the month of May. I learned a lot about my relationship with my mother, & most importantly I think that I learned some things I can do to be a better mother & a better mother-in-law. "
— Ketti, 5/23/2011 -
" I loved her business-focused book, "Talking From 9 to 5," so when I saw this for 50 cents at the library sale, I picked it up. It was really good! I definitely recommend it. "
— Amanda, 5/23/2011 -
" Great insight into the transactions between mother and daughter...the most complex human relationship God ever invented! If you have a daughter or are one, read it.<br/> "
— Ruth, 4/30/2011 -
" Great normalizing read about teen and adult mother-daughter relationships. Helped me gain perspective into my own relationship, why my mom does what she does and why I respond the way I do. Has also given me some insight into how to move forward more easily. "
— Whitney, 4/14/2011 -
" Ah-ha! So that's what's going on with my mother. If you have a mother that drives you crazy, or are a mother driving a daughter crazy or vice versa...read some pages. It will enlighten you. "
— Imen, 3/3/2011 -
" Although I enjoyed the book, it seemed to only broach subject matter. not go in as much in depth as I would have liked. "
— Dora, 11/19/2010 -
" Eye opening. Something for all mother's and daughters to read. "
— Jill, 10/30/2010 -
" As is the case with so many nonfiction books, I found the writing clunky and the information sparse and repetitive. There just wasn't enough here to make it worth reading, in my opinion. "
— Deborah, 10/19/2010 -
" I don't usually get into non-fiction, but this book really hit home. I was amazed at how much sense Tannen's philosophy made to me. And honestly, not only has reading it improved my communication with my mother, but it has improved my relationship with my daughter as well. Worth the read, ladies. "
— Tish, 9/16/2010 -
" It was ok. I had high hopes because of reading her book about sisters, that I very much loved. But this book, it wasn't the same. Not as enlightening. Interesting - ish. "
— Kelly, 6/20/2010 -
" A linguist's look at mother/daughter relations. 288 pages. "
— Ruth, 5/21/2010 -
" This gave me an interesting perspective on why conversations sometimes go a very different than expected with one's mother, and (hopefully) will make me a little less quick to jump to the un-intended conclusion on what's the message behind the words. "
— Janice, 2/23/2010 -
" Interesting book, though I'm not sure I got a lot of helpful ideas about my relationship with my mom, or hers with me. "
— Leila, 12/13/2009 -
" Fantastic book! Really helped me understand some issues and gave some good advice..a perfect read for any daughter or mother who needs some insights. "
— Monica, 12/11/2009 -
" Started it but couldn't quite get into it. "
— Elizabeth, 11/1/2009
About Deborah Tannen
Harvard Business Review is the leading destination for smart management thinking. Through its flagship magazine, eleven internationally licensed editions, books from Harvard Business Review Press, and digital content and tools published on HBR.org, Harvard Business Review provides professionals around the world with rigorous insights and best practices to lead themselves and their organizations more effectively and to make a positive impact.