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Download That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Audiobook

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3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (520 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Deborah Tannen Narrator: Deborah Tannen Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio Format: Abridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date: June 1991 ISBN: 9780743545488
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You know the feeling: You thought you said exactly what you wanted to, but somehow a different message comes across. You end up feeling misunderstood...and the relationship that you're building -- at home, on the job, on a date, or in an interview -- slips a little further out of your control.

  

Talk is the key to any relationship and conversational style is the key to any conversation. In That's Not What I Meant!, Dr. Tannen helps you recognize your own conversational style and understand the styles of others.

Whether you are dealing with a person who's too quiet or someone who's a conversational bulldozer, learning to understand conversational style will help you deal with any situation. Through this understanding, you can prevent small differences from sparking big arguments, really hear what was said -- and what wasn't.

That's Not What I Meant! will give you the tools to save any conversation -- or relationship.

Download and start listening now!

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Quotes & Awards

  • “Tannen combines a novelist’s ear for the way people speak with a rare power of original analysis…fascinating.”

    Oliver Sacks, New York Times bestselling author

  • “Dr. Tannen enlivens the science of linguistics with humanity and humor. That's Not What I Meant! impels us to listen to ourselves…and take heed of what we hear.”

    Andrew Hacker, New York Times bestselling author

  • “We are, all of us, foreigners to each other: editor and writer, man and woman, Californian and New Yorker, friend and friend. Dr. Tannen shows us how different we are, and how to speak the same language.”

    Jack Rosenthal, Pulitzer Prize winner and editor, New York Times

  • “Offers intriguing insights into where we go wrong with language and how problems get started.”

    Mademoiselle

  • “Tannen’s writing is lively, she states her case clearly, and provides a fresh look at a subject which concerns us all. Recommended.”

    Library Journal

  • “Deborah Tannen shows us why conversations, and consequently friendships, marriages, and even jobs, can break down even with the best intentions, and how linguistics can come to the rescue.”

    Jeremy Campbell, author of the Grammatical Man

  • “Many talk about language and discourse as forces in our lives, but Tannen is one of the few who locates the significance of linguistics where it belongs, in our ways of speaking to each other.”

    Dell Hymes, Graduate School of Education, University of Pennsylvania

Listener Opinions

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kaethe | 2/16/2014

    " Like anything at all self-helpy, Tannen relies on some broad stereotypes of behavior. But, also, I think she has useful information to impart. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Michael | 2/16/2014

    " Consider trite pop-culture self-help to some, it really did help me understand some miscommunication problems I've had with people. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Magila | 2/8/2014

    " really awesome book about communication. deb tannen has a way of explaining your everday breakdowns in communication in a totally understandable way. great book, great author, makes you think while being a generally easy read. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Alexasapp | 2/2/2014

    " I do not usually have the patience to read this sort of book. It turned out to be a collection of common incidents and ideas that put together make a lot of sense. Very practical, it was worthwhile reading. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Krystal | 2/2/2014

    " I read this for a class and now I think about communication in a completely different way! I really enjoyed this book, despite the occasional chapters that seemed somewhat hopeless. It's not a self-help book; it's a self-awareness book. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Robert Snow | 2/1/2014

    " Read a couple of Dr.Tannen's books while i was going through school and also saw her being interviewed one late Sunday night. Smart lady with great insights as to men and women in conversation. She told a story about her first marriage and that she had problems communicating with him. She ultimately divorced him and a few years later met another man and married him. The next thing she know is that the new guy is just like the other one! Dr.Tannen went on to say, it wasn't him that there was something wrong with it was me. He was speaking one thing that I didn't understand and I was speaking another thing that he didn't understand. I found this a very good tool in the business world and my personal life. Dr.Tannen is definitely on to something when it comes to what we say, how we say it and to whom we sat it! "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Charlie | 1/31/2014

    " This is a book about how people communicate and how, even when using the same language, different people read very different things into a conversation. It had a big effect on me as I had never realised there was quite so many layers to the topic. It is quite readable - not a dry textbook - and very interesting. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Molly Caldera | 1/30/2014

    " I enjoyed this book for its informative, yet entertaining style. Ms. Tannen has a way of writing about a scholarly topic that makes it relevant to people who are not linguists. in particular pt. II that discussed the pauses and intonation hit close to home for me. I think that section was most important to a lot of people because we all come from unique home where pauses and the natural flow of conversations differs. Knowing that you might have to adjust your way of pausing or volume in order for effective communication may be the difference in making or breaking a relationship. I highly recommend this book to people who are in business with a variety of people, or who are in leadership positions, but I would also recommend this book to people who are having trouble communicating with people in their daily lives. All in all, I'd every person can take something away from this book and put it toward effective communication. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Melflowers | 1/25/2014

    " A great conversational book, I think that this book should be a prerequisite for marriage and relationships! "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Jen | 1/18/2014

    " Distracted by outdated case studies and narrow interpretation through Western viewpoint. Would benefit from refresh to include more multi-generational and multi-cultural perspectives. Also, the final chapter may have served better as the introduction, rather than conclusion. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Brittany | 12/31/2013

    " I actually had to read it for a class, but of course the linguist in me loved it! Anyone fascinated with linguistics/communication should read it "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Bala | 12/29/2013

    " One of the best audio books I have ever listened. This audio book discusses a lot about the conversation styles in personal interactions. Very insightful with plenty of examples. I just wish that I came across this book a years back. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Nina | 12/25/2013

    " I enjoyed reading this book. It helped me understand myself and the people around me. I recommend this book to everybody. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kipi | 12/22/2013

    " Interesting. Some things are a little out dated, but worth reading. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Janet | 12/20/2013

    " Reprint of older title but still highly relevant. Some good insight into why miscommunication happens but not enough tips on how to prevent it or recover from it for me. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 zeb | 12/9/2013

    " worth reading for ideas about metamessages, framing amd complementary schismogenesis - but I found much of it quite famliar already "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Amani | 3/23/2013

    " This book explains a lot of misunderstanding in relationships, I think this book would be useful for North Americans, since there are different conversational styles in other regions (Middle East for example). "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Suzanne moodhe | 11/27/2012

    " A bit simplified but easy to read - Deborah analyses how we communicate with one another - how we fail or achieve what we meant to get across. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Karen Chung | 11/7/2012

    " A good introduction to how differing conversational styles can cause difficulties in relationships. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jo | 10/4/2012

    " Must reread! These are the best. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Matt Perrone | 10/1/2012

    " Another college book I actually enjoyed. This goes under the list of books that engaged couples should read before they get married. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Julie H. | 7/11/2012

    " This book by famed sociolinguist Deborah Tannen considers how many linguistic misfires occur as a result of clashing conversational styles. A must-read! "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kelly | 6/26/2012

    " This is the third Tannen book about conversation that I have read. You'd think that it would be boring by now - how much can she say about this anyway? It's just the opposite actually. The more I read her work, the more I take note of what I say and how I say it and how others speak as well. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Hathal | 5/11/2012

    " Maybe the time I chose to read this book wasn't good. There are some useful information and one simple conclusion that could be read on the front cover. I believe everything mentioned could be summarized in no more than two pages. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Pat | 2/17/2012

    " As it says on the back of the book: "how conversational style makes or breaks relationships." "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Brian Sison | 12/15/2011

    " A great look into how we communicate not only with what we say, but in how we say it. It highlights the differences between men and women, northerners and southerners, etc, as well as how to recognize and compensate for these differences. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Rosa | 11/22/2011

    " Fun, interesting reading; changed the way I spoke and listened. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Richard | 10/11/2011

    " This is well-written and clear with insights into ordinary conversation throughout the book. I currently assign it in an education class I teach at Concordia University, Ann Arbor. "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Elizabeth Hunter | 9/30/2011

    " A little dated at this point, but with interesting points about how and why communication within personal relationships can become toxic over time. I wish she'd taken more examples from real life, and fewer from fiction. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Noofalshahin | 6/27/2011

    " I enjoyed reading this book. It was an easy read and very easy to relate to. Tannen really makes it easy to relate the examples she describes. I definately recommend it to anyone who is really into communication or interested in why other think, talk, listene and communicate the way they do. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Bala | 2/17/2011

    " One of the best audio books I have ever listened. This audio book discusses a lot about the conversation styles in personal interactions. Very insightful with plenty of examples. I just wish that I came across this book a years back. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Melflowers | 11/23/2010

    " A great conversational book, I think that this book should be a prerequisite for marriage and relationships! "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kipi | 11/6/2010

    " Interesting. Some things are a little out dated, but worth reading. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Krystal | 10/12/2010

    " I read this for a class and now I think about communication in a completely different way! I really enjoyed this book, despite the occasional chapters that seemed somewhat hopeless. It's not a self-help book; it's a self-awareness book. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Alexasapp | 6/16/2010

    " I do not usually have the patience to read this sort of book. It turned out to be a collection of common incidents and ideas that put together make a lot of sense. Very practical, it was worthwhile reading. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Lucy | 2/25/2010

    " The library called this one back before I could finish it . . . per usual. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Magila | 2/25/2010

    " really awesome book about communication. deb tannen has a way of explaining your everday breakdowns in communication in a totally understandable way. great book, great author, makes you think while being a generally easy read. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Richard | 10/9/2009

    " This is well-written and clear with insights into ordinary conversation throughout the book. I currently assign it in an education class I teach at Concordia University, Ann Arbor. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kaethe | 9/17/2009

    " Like anything at all self-helpy, Tannen relies on some broad stereotypes of behavior. But, also, I think she has useful information to impart. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Brittany | 7/23/2009

    " I actually had to read it for a class, but of course the linguist in me loved it! Anyone fascinated with linguistics/communication should read it "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Julie H. | 7/12/2009

    " This book by famed sociolinguist Deborah Tannen considers how many linguistic misfires occur as a result of clashing conversational styles. A must-read! "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Elizabeth | 7/4/2009

    " A little dated at this point, but with interesting points about how and why communication within personal relationships can become toxic over time. I wish she'd taken more examples from real life, and fewer from fiction. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Matt | 5/14/2009

    " Another college book I actually enjoyed. This goes under the list of books that engaged couples should read before they get married. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kelly | 4/21/2009

    " This is the third Tannen book about conversation that I have read. You'd think that it would be boring by now - how much can she say about this anyway? It's just the opposite actually. The more I read her work, the more I take note of what I say and how I say it and how others speak as well. "

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About the Author
Author Deborah TannenDeborah Tannen is the acclaimed author of You Just Don’t Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years; I Only Say This Because I Love You, which won the Books for a Better Life Award; Talking from 9 to 5, a New York Times bestseller; That’s Not What I Meant!; and many other books. A professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, she appears frequently on such shows as The Oprah Winfrey Show, Today, Good Morning America, Nightline, 20/20, and NPR’s All Things Considered. She lives with her husband in the Washington, D.C., area. Her website is www.deborahtannen.com.