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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Audiobook
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""A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books
From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”
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"This book is captivating. Not only for those who have been unknowingly subject to infidelity, but also building a compassion and kindness in understanding the various paths that perpetrators of infedelity may have been taking. Very helpful book in mending or ending relationships after infidelity. "
— Sarah (5 out of 5 stars)
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“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.”
— O, The Oprah Magazine -
“The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity.”
— Publishers Weekly -
“Recommended for couples, therapists, religious leaders, and anyone else interested in a deep look at the meanings, devastations, and potential growth avenues from infidelity.”
— Library Journal -
“Perel’s goal here is not to condone cheating on partners but rather to help readers feel compassion both for the victim and the perpetrator and offer strategies for addressing this complex issue.”
— Booklist -
“Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples’ therapist.”
— Kirkus Reviews -
“Through her research, [Perel is] able to dive into the sordid history of affairs, the modern prevalence of romantic love, and why, exactly, infidelity doesn’t always lead to the dissolution of a marriage. As it turns out, the widely accepted reasons for why people cheat don’t always apply—and the list of potential reasons is ever evolving.”
— Refinery29
Awards
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New York Times bestseller
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An Oprah Pick
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Esquire Magazine Best Book of the Year So Far
The State of Affairs Listener Reviews
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" Anything Esther Perel is a must! She narrates this book in her amazing, captivating, clear, voice! 100% recommend to ALL "
— MnM , 5/16/2024 -
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6/27/2023
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" "The state of Affair" by Esther Perrel is a great book! The author explored the issues of affaire with depth and look at it from many angles. It was fascinated to see that it not a black and white issue for relationship. I truly annoyed listening to this book. "
— Violet , 4/13/2023 -
" Esther Perel shares her experience as a therapist with stories that she lived with her clients. It is a learning process for all those that read her book, no matter if they are in the psychotherapy world or if it is to develop the own wisdom. "
— Cornelia, 7/31/2022 -
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riddle oz, 6/14/2021
About Esther Perel
Esther Perel is a couples and family therapist with a private practice in New York City. She is on the faculty of the International Trauma Studies program at Columbia University, is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, and has appeared on many television programs, including Oprah, Good Day New York, CBS This Morning, and HBO’s Women Aloud.