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Extended Audio Sample Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch, by Jim Norton Click for printable size audiobook cover
3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (513 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Jim Norton, Jim Norton Narrator: Jim Norton, Jim Norton Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio Format: Abridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date: July 2007 ISBN: 9780743569965
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Best heard on an empty stomach

Jim Norton is a pervert in the truest sense of the word. The physical equivalent of a tall slug, he pays top dollar for massages with happy endings, and is fascinated by shitty sitcoms and fat girls. He is also, at times, racially offensive and morally repugnant. He spares no one in his comedy—least of all himself.

Now, in this outrageous, blisteringly funny collection of essays, Norton tackles the topics that are near and dear to his heart: From public events like the legendary Voyeur Bus incident on the Opie and Anthony Show, which culminated in all involved being taken to jail, or seeking a hug from his childhood idol Gene Simmons, to deeply private moments, including a teenage Jim’s embarrassing poetry writing attempts while in rehab, his inexpensive sexual experience with an unwashed MILF (Monolith I’d Like to Forget), and being caught masturbating in the backseat while his friend was driving. His stories are raw, searingly honest in their attention to detail, and most of all, hilarious.

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Quotes & Awards

  • A New York Times Bestseller

Listener Opinions

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Alen | 2/13/2014

    " disturbing and funny, don't take shelter when it rains. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Cory Fosco | 2/13/2014

    " Crazy life of comedian Jim Norton...not for the weak stomach. Norton is much more entertaining on the radio and on the stage. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jessica | 2/12/2014

    " I literally laughed out loud multiple times. Too freakin funny!! "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jim | 2/6/2014

    " Not for the easily offended! If you like 'lil Jimmy Norton (or O&A), you will want to pick up this book. Disgusting, crude, and highly innappropriate, but very funny! Norton spills his guts in this tell-all book about his life, and career. Number 4 on the NY Best Sellers list (how did that happen?!) Do not let your grandma read this book. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Sarah | 2/2/2014

    " Jim Norton is hilarious!!! if you like really dirty jokes this is a good book to read. jim gets into the stories of his favorite past times with hookers. even tells about his stint in rehab when he was 18. very interesting read. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Stephanie | 1/29/2014

    " This book was good but VERY distubing humor...if you are sensitive do NOT read this!! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jake | 1/24/2014

    " From the day I first heard Jim Norton's sophomoric, filthy, offensive comedy styling, I was a huge fan. I jumped at the opportunity to learn more about him when I saw his book on a Barnes and Noble shelf. Whenever I think it'd be impossible for him to get more 'real', I am proven very wrong. He tells some stories any lesser man would be too embarrassed to ever tell another living soul. There is a lot to be learned about Jim from this yarn. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Lysia | 1/22/2014

    " I just love Jimmy! My favorite story(s) are the letters to & from ex-girlfriends... totally douche-chill inducing since I was either the author or receiver of letters like those when I was in high school. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Wickedcomedy | 1/22/2014

    " Gross. But entertaining. Mostly gross. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Elizabeth Nesbit-comer | 1/18/2014

    " I loved this book even with it's many references to peeing on people "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kelly Forde | 12/2/2013

    " I haven't decided if this is a three star or a four star book. It's definitely readable but would probably disgust and shock most decent people into tossing it aside. It's what keeps me turning the pages :) "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Shannon | 12/2/2013

    " I admit, reading this was not quite as fun as listening to or seeing Jim, but still the stories have his unique voice and are hysterical and/or gag inducing. A must read for fans of lil Jimmy/O&A. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jlewis | 11/24/2013

    " anyone who've listend to O&A will love this book. Outsiders may not get a lot of his references or friends. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Russ Palmer | 11/8/2013

    " One of the funniest books I have ever read. Unluckily, after I finished it a friend 'borrowed' it and I haven't seen it in 4 years. If you can't enjoy some good tales about full body massages given at Asian 'massage' parlors then what can you enjoy? "

  • 2 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 52 out of 5 Desiree | 11/1/2013

    " Not as funny as I Hate Your Guts. This is more along the lines of gross-out humor. Recommend this? Nah, don't think so. I Hate Your Guts, on the other hand... CLASSIC! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Nathan Cosby | 10/27/2013

    " I only know the Jim Norton because he is on the Opie and Anthony radio show. I've never seen or heard a single show by him. That said, this book makes me laugh until I cry. It's very crass, it's very vulgar, and it's very genuine. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Ross Whitehurst | 6/22/2013

    " Best book ever written by a man riddled with AIDs. It made me laugh so hard I spilled my broth all over my good bathrobe. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Stacy | 6/20/2013

    " Jim Norton is a funny creep. He's also very intelligent. I like his candid style. SOme of his stories will make you squirm with discomfort, but there are enough solid laughs to overcome that minor issue. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jessica Rendall | 6/15/2013

    " This book is not for the faint of heart, but if you're a Jimmy Norton fan, it's sure to entertain. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Kelli | 4/24/2013

    " I loved it... very raunchy. If you don't like raunchy and perverted funny stories, than you won't like this book, otherwise, i'd highly recommend! "

  • 1 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 51 out of 5 Heather | 12/16/2012

    " Not sure why I bought this nor why I continued reading it. It was crap, but I guess I was enthralled by the prostitute obsession so freely discussed. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Steve | 9/10/2012

    " ok.... if you think its funny when old ladies trip and fall at Walmart(I personally DO) you will LOVE this book! This is pure RAW comedy! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Noelle | 8/29/2012

    " True rating would be 3.5. I didn't think it was great but I more than just liked it. Very raunchy. I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not with some of his stories. (ummmm, Monster Rain???) I thought it was funny but then I felt wrong for laughing because what if it was true??? "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Brian | 7/30/2012

    " JIm Norton is a genius "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Scott | 1/16/2012

    " Really funny, pornographic musings. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Kenny | 1/1/2012

    " I love Jimmy, but I feel like I know so much about him because I listen to him on the radio every morning, that I didn't find the bookt hat informative or interesting. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Marco G | 7/16/2011

    " Very funny book; its a bunch of stories by a comedian from the opie and anthony show. He's also friends with Artie Lange from the Howard Stern show. His humor is not for everyone but i have always loved the guy. I learned that its okay to like logs being dropped on your chest. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Daniel | 5/28/2011

    " Little Jimmy Norton is one of today's hottest comic. His extreme humor is topped only by the pathetic and embarrassing moments of his childhood, adolescence and adulthood, all outlined in this quick read. I hear he is writing another, will definitely be on the top of my list. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Brad | 3/13/2011

    " wow... this was a rather depressing yet intimate look into Jim Norton's head.

    Funny, but ultimately depressing. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Elizabeth | 1/23/2011

    " I loved this book even with it's many references to peeing on people "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 William | 7/31/2010

    " Anybody who can laugh at their own pathetic existence is okay by me... "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Scarlett | 1/15/2010

    " If you aren't into potty-humor, why would you read a book that's subtitled "The Tales of Meaty-Breasted Zilch"??
    I tried reading this book in public a few times, but it was pretty humiliating to be laughing/crying in front of people. Jimmy rules! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Noelle | 10/18/2009

    " True rating would be 3.5. I didn't think it was great but I more than just liked it. Very raunchy. I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not with some of his stories. (ummmm, Monster Rain???) I thought it was funny but then I felt wrong for laughing because what if it was true??? "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Ross | 5/17/2009

    " Best book ever written by a man riddled with AIDs. It made me laugh so hard I spilled my broth all over my good bathrobe. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Geoff | 1/17/2009

    " What can I say? It's Norton. If you find stories about overpaying for tranny hookers funny, you've probably already heard about this.

    It also made me laugh more that his second one. The second one is funny too, but it reads a little more like an old man's cranky letters. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Mark | 11/22/2008

    " This is a very funny book if you are a fan of Jim Norton. If you are not a fan of Jim Norton, I suggest you become one. Check out his HBO special "Monster Rain", its hilarious. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Erin | 11/14/2008

    " I listened to this and it was read by the author which was nice. It is DEFINITELY not for those who are offended easily. I, however, thought it was funny. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Erin | 10/28/2008

    " Raunchy, offensive, and truly disgusting and in true Jim Norton style - pretty funny. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Jessica | 9/29/2008

    " This book is not for the faint of heart, but if you're a Jimmy Norton fan, it's sure to entertain. "

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