There it was: the peat smell of an ending summer, oiled leather, hay wet with rain. The horse was as black as the sharp keys on a piano with magnificent brown eyes. My heart sang out to this great beast, and he answered with a toot through his gigantic nostrils. I was dressed. The horse was tacked. It was time to go.
Courtney Maum is thirty-seven-years-old when she finds herself in an indoor arena in Connecticut, moments away from stepping back into the saddle. For her, this is not just a riding lesson but a last-ditch attempt to pull herself back from the brink, even though riding is a relic from the past she walked away from. She hasn’t been on or near a horse in over thirty years.
Although Maum does know what depression looks like, she finds herself refusing to admit, at this point in her life, that it could look like her: a woman with a mortgage, a husband, a healthy child, and a published novel. That she feels sadness is undeniable, but she feels no right to claim it.
And when both therapy and medication fail, Courtney returns to her childhood passion of horseback riding as a way to recover the joy and fearlessness she once had access to as a young girl. As she finds her way, once again, through the world of horseback riding—and how she fits within it—Courtney becomes reacquainted with herself not only as a rider but as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a writer, and a woman.
Alternating timelines and braided with historical portraits of women and horses alongside history’s attempts to tame both parties, this courageous, timely memoir is a love letter to the power of animals—and humans—to heal the mind and the heart.
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"A candid, deeply moving journey that details how she found her way out of a labyrinth of depression…wittily engaging and uncompromisingly forthright.”
— Shelf Awareness
“Cathartic and honest…about the power of animals and how their presence can help us heal.”
— Today Show“The past interweaves with the present in this fabulous, memorable memoir.”
— Good Morning America“Ride with Maum and celebrate her using horses to redefine what it means to be a mother.”
— Chicago Review of Books"A touching and insightful memoir of depression and healing.”
— Millions.com“An inspiration…celebrates preserving one’s inner wildness."
— Polo Lady Magazine“Vivid and exuberantly cathartic.”
— Publishers Weekly“The introspection and self-knowledge present on every page of the book are as stunning as the prose itself."
— Arkansas International“Raw, emotional, and particularly inspiring.”
— US Polo Association“Maum’s memoir…feels a bit like Maum is a close friend who is talking with you about deep topics.”
— AudioFile“Maum writes honestly and openly about confronting depression in her 30s.”
— Katie Couric, New York Times bestselling author“Gorgeously written…A memoir of power and beauty and pain that moves across the world like the beautiful horses that carry it.”
— Lisa Taddeo, New York Times bestselling author“Honest and beautifully written.”
— Kate Baer, author of What Kind of Woman“Searing, lucid, tender, and wise.”
— Dani Shapiro, New York Times bestselling author“This is the book for you. Courtney Maum will show you her way to this particular form of personal salvation.”
— Sally Mann, author of Hold Still: A Memoir with Photographs“A beautiful, unflinching exploration of darkness and self-forgiveness, terror and tenderness.”
— Hala Ayan, author of The Arsonists’ City“The Year of the Horses…gives us permission to be who we are.”
— Holly Whitaker, author of Quit Like a Woman“A great memoir that somehow manages to be both deeply moving and funny.”
— Kareem Rosser, author of Crossing the LineBe the first to write a review about this audiobook!
Courtney Maum is the author of Touch (a New York Time editor’s choice and NPR’s Best of 2017), as well as the acclaimed I Am Having So Much Fun Here without You. Her book reviews, essays and articles about the writing life have been widely published in outlets such as the New York Times, O the Oprah Magazine, BuzzFeed, Interview Magazine, and Electric Literature.