A stunning, heartbreaking debut novel about grief, love, and family, perfect for fans of Jandy Nelson and Celeste Ng.
Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird.
Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life.
Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a stunning and heartbreaking novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love.
"Emily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book."--John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way Down
Download and start listening now!
“Narrator Stephanie Hsu gives color to the vivid palette Leigh uses to describe senses and emotions…Hsu finds a balance of wonder and anguish as Leigh explores her family’s past through increasingly mystical experiences..Leigh and her friends have just the right touches of youthful snark and flattened tones, while Taiwan is full of bright bursts of Mandarin.”
— AudioFile
“[A] beautiful, magical journey into the heart of grief.”
— Holly Black, New York Times bestselling author“Portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor.”
— John Green, New York Times bestselling author“Inventive and heart-wrenching.”
— Gayle Forman, New York Times bestselling author“Any suicide is a painful one for the survivors. But here is where Pan’s novel shines most. She never shies away from the awful questions that are left in the wake of such a loss…What emerges is a story about love with all its limitations and complications and the story of how a girl and her passions can survive it.”
— New York Times Book Review“Dynamic, brave Leigh emerges vividly in Pan’s deft hand, and her enthralling journey through her grief glows with stunning warmth, strength, and resilience.”
— Booklist (starred review)“The novel is steeped in its Taiwanese setting…[with] an undeniable message about the power of hope and inner strength.”
— Publishers Weekly (starred review)“Pan’s writing takes readers on a journey filled with so much emotion, color, and such well-developed characters with a touch of magic, readers will come to the ending drained and fulfilled at the same time…[This] novel is not to be missed.”
— School Library Journal (starred review)“Pan travels between the past and present beautifully in this lightly magical and deeply emotional book about grief, family connection, and first love…Highly recommended.
— BookRiot“Sprinkled with magical realism and achingly beautiful passages, Pan crafts a brilliant, lyrical, heartfelt, and astounding debut about grief, love, and the complexity of family relationships.”
— BuzzFeed“This hefty YA novel clocks in at nearly 500 pages, and I still wanted it to be longer. It’s a heartbreaking story about family, friends, and love, all crafted with a splash of magic.
— Paste“Captures the uncertain, unmoored feeling of existing between worlds—culturally, linguistically, ethnically, romantically, and existentially—it is also about seeking hope and finding beauty even in one’s darkest hours.”
— Kirkus ReviewsEmily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book.
— John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way DownMagic and mourning, love and loss, secrets kept and secrets revealed all illuminate Emily X.R. Pan's inventive and heart-wrenching debut.
— Gayle Forman, bestselling author of If I Stay and I Was HereEmily X.R. Pan utterly transported me to a world reminiscent of Isabel Allende. Haunting at every turn, this is a glorious debut.
— p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Times}Renée Ahdieh, bestselling author of The Wrath and the DawnAn extraordinary debut from a fiercely talented writer.
— p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Times}Nova Ren Suma, bestselling author of The Walls Around UsThis beautiful, magical journey through grief made my heart take flight.
— p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Times}Holly Black, bestselling author of The Cruel Prince and The Darkest Part of the ForestThe Astonishing Color of After works a delicate magic. Its portrayal of grief is deeply felt, and so too is its deliciously tricky romance. I loved this book.
— p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Times}Marie Rutkoski, bestselling author of The Winner's CurseMy heart has never been more pleasantly devastated. A raw and brilliant debut.
— p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Times}Roshani Chokshi, bestselling author of The Star-Touched Queenlyrical and suspenseful
— The New York Times Book ReviewIn this dazzling debut, author Emily X.R. Pan has created a spellbinding narrative about love, family, and what it means to grieve.
— Bustle* "Dynamic, brave Leigh emerges vividly in Pan's deft hand, and her enthralling journey through her grief glows with stunning warmth, strength, and resilience.
— Booklist, starred review* "Pan's emotionally charged debut is a compelling exploration of grief and the insidiousness of depression.
— Publishers Weekly, starred review* "Pan's debut novel is not to be missed.
— School Library Journal, starred review* "This novel is as elegant as it is mesmerizing.
— VOYA, starred review* "Pan offers an extraordinary journey that proves real, surreal, and wholly magical.
— Shelf Awareness* "[The novel] pushes the readers' expectations in beautiful and interesting ways.
— School Library Connection, starred reviewAn evocative novel that captures the uncertain, unmoored feeling of existing between worlds--culturally, linguistically, ethnically, romantically, and existentially--it is also about seeking hope and finding beauty even in one's darkest hours.
— Kirkus ReviewsI am sure I will return to this book every year, just as I am sure that there will always be something new for me to find in its pages.
— BookRiotIn her debut book, Pan communicates what seems many lifetimes of wisdom: the intricacies of grief, how mental illness ripples through families and what it means to find love in the midst of so much loss.
— The Daily BeastThe story is centered on a heart-wrenching mystery, yet Pan's prose is as warm and free-flowing as Waipo's oolong tea, making this story a surprisingly uplifting one.
— BookPageEmily X.R. Pan beautifully depicts grief in all its complexities: the numbing sadness, the rage, the confusion, and, most hauntingly, the joy.
— Bustle.comThrough Leigh's emotional, illuminating first person narration, Emily X. R. Pan peels back the layers of her grief to expose the heart at the center. The result is a novel as lyrical as it is earnest.
— Tor.comA hypnotic narrative.
— Horn BookBe the first to write a review about this audiobook!
Emily X. R. Pan was born in the Midwestern United States to immigrant parents from Taiwan. She received her MFA degree in fiction from the New York University creative writing program, where she was a Goldwater Fellow. She is the founding editor-in-chief of Bodega Magazine and a 2017 artist-in-residence at Djerassi.
Stephanie Hsu is a voice artist and audiobook narrator.