Extended Audio Sample

Download What Would Susie Say?: An Incomplete Guide to a No Bullshit Life Audiobook

Extended Audio Sample What Would Susie Say?: An Incomplete Guide to a No Bullshit Life, by Susie Essman Click for printable size audiobook cover
3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (130 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Susie Essman Narrator: Susie Essman Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio Format: Unabridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date:
Regular Price: $17.95 Add to Cart
— or —
FlexPass™ Price: $12.95$5.95$5.95 for new members!
Add to Cart learn more )

IN WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY?, Susie Essman sheds the crasser layers to reveal how she went from an anxiety-ridden, struggling stand-up comic to being one of the funniest women on television, playing Susie Greene on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Emerging as one of the most successful performers in her field, Essman goes behind the scenes of a life in comedy with her funny cohorts, including Joy Behar, Rodney Dangerfield, and, of course, Jeff Garlin and Larry David, while also providing sidesplittingly funny wisdom on a range of topics that she's highly unqualified to expound upon, including men, sports, hypochondria, and stepparenthood.



"It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word commit is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution."


"As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo."


"I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!"


"My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids' love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They're like Russian mail-order brides -- the more you spend, the more they love you."

WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face. Download and start listening now!


Quotes & Awards

  • “Susie Essman always makes me scream with laughter. If she were any wiser, she’d have witnessed the birth of Christ. What Would Susie Say? made me laugh harder than I have in years. After reading it, you'll never be at a loss for words again.” 

    Bette Midler

  • “Of all the countless times in my life I’ve been directed to go f*** myself—from waiters to rabbis to trick-or-treaters to every woman I’ve ever gone out with—no one has done it with the panache and zeal of the fabulous Miss E. Sad to say, most of you will never experience that, but this book is the next best thing.” 

    Larry David

  • “Don't get me wrong, I worship Susie Essman. That said, considering she knows absolutely nothing about life, love, or comedy, I’m thrilled that she managed to pull off such a brilliant hoax.” 

    Richard Lewis, comedian

  • “If you don’t already know that Susie Essman is one of the funniest people on the planet then pick up this wonderful book with her pitch-perfect comic voice on every page. Dorothy Parker with a lot more heart.” 

    David Steinberg

Listener Opinions

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 by Rachel | 2/17/2014

    " I love Susie Greene on Curb, so I had to read about the woman behind the character. She's funny :-) "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 by Lisa | 2/15/2014

    " the last couple chapters were the best.. I loved when she was talking about Curb and Larry David and how that show operates. after all, that is why we love her! the rest of the book was interesting but certainly not riveting and it could've probably been done jb half the space. I picked it up cheap at Borders when it was going out if business so I was satisfied with what I got. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 by Maughn Gregory | 1/29/2014

    " Very funny stories and "bullshit wisdom" from one of my favorite TV actors. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 by Cierra | 1/23/2014

    " If I was older I probably would have enjoyed this book (audiobook) a lot more. I couldn't relate to her issues with marriage and children or menopause, but it had some good moments. My favorite parts were her chapters on how/why she got into comedy and Curb Your Enthusiasm, which were the reasons I was interested in the book in the first place. I don't like self improvement books and this is what What Would Susie Say? mostly was. She talks about relationships, friendships, germs, health and so on. Most of her advice on relationships and kindness were just cliches, and a lot of the book was very redundant. Essman also pointed out the obvious, a lot, like if you're in an abusive relationship you should get out. Had I actually read this book instead of listening to it I probably would have like it less, listening to the author tell her own story definitely adds something to the book. "

  • > Show All
Write a Review
What is FlexPass?
  • Your first audiobook is just $5.95
  • Over 90% are at or below $12.95
  • "LOVE IT" guarantee
  • No time limits or expirations