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Download Sh-t My Dad Says Audiobook (Unabridged)

Extended Audio Sample Sh-t My Dad Says (Unabridged) Audiobook, by Justin Halpern
3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 3.00 (46,449 ratings) (rate this audio book) Author: Justin Halpern Narrator: Sean Schemmel Publisher: HarperAudio Format: Unabridged Audiobook Delivery: Instant Download Audio Length: Release Date: April 2010 ISBN:
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After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, 28-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his 73-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.

The worst thing you can be is a liar...Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes.

An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh-t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

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Listener Opinions

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Arjun Nijhawan | 2/14/2014

    " Worth buying! I laughed at every single page. There is no place in this book where you don't laugh, its that hilarious. Full of funny family tales that i'm sure anyone can relate to in some way. Its always nice to hear the funny musings and perspectives of Justin's Dad. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Runako Jinks | 2/13/2014

    " This book is often laugh out loud funny. I tore through this book because it kept me thoroughly entertained. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Rui Andrade | 2/11/2014

    " The book is great because it presents, in a distinct way, many different and funny stories. Got some laughs out of it. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Allison | 2/6/2014

    " Easy read. It took me less than a day to finish. Some of the things this guys says had me laughing out loud. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Melanie Page | 2/3/2014

    " It's funny how at one point in life, you would empathize with Justin Halpern. At another point in life (most of it, in fact), you feel like Sam Halpern. LOLZ: The End. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Sacha Struble | 1/27/2014

    " Laughed the entire way through it. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jason Wells | 1/20/2014

    " Read this in one afternoon while laying around the pool, drinking rum and cokes at a nearby resort. I have to say, this book was laugh out-loud funny and it wasn't the rum in talking. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Theresa Klose | 1/17/2014

    " I dare anyone to read this and not laugh. It's not possible. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Dasia | 1/16/2014

    " This was a quick read that I enjoyed in a non-life-changing way. There are a lot of 'oh snap' moments, though the dad of Sh*t My Dad Says is not bitchy or mean, just really straightforward, which makes him endearing. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Kim Harkness | 1/10/2014

    " HILARIOUS! If you just want a good laugh about life, this is a good one. Sure makes you reminisce about your own childhood memories. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Anneke | 1/5/2014

    " The absolutely funniest thing I've ever read in my life. Just re-read recently. I laughed so hard I my laughing fit gave me the hiccups. Really, you have to read this. I'd give it 10 stars if I could. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Michelle Lines | 12/28/2013

    " I think I was kind of put off by the abundant amount of swearing. I just am not able to believe that someone would actually talk like that, which made the book feel a bit forced. A few parts were laugh out loud funny. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Austengroener | 11/2/2013

    " A short and sweet read. A good style to write a book like this: self-deprecating and full of funny anecdotes. I'd definitely recommend this to a friend. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Barb K. | 10/17/2013

    " My dad has never been this profane, but enough resonated with me that I gave it to both my siblings for Christmas one year. They loved it too! Hysterical read. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Matthew McAlpine | 10/10/2013

    " A fun, quick, enjoyable read. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Marilyn | 9/13/2013

    " Listened to it and was LMAO! "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Kelly Georgia | 8/15/2013

    " I thought this book was really funny. Read it for what it is.......a good comedy/family story. It made me want to document things my family members have said....but definitely not publish them, ha, ha.... I recommend it for a light-hearted fun, fast read! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Cathy | 7/28/2013

    " Funny - caution - inappropriate language - definitely an adult read. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Meli Emmons | 6/9/2013

    " Hilarious to read! Laughed so hard all the way! His dad reminded me so much of me! Literally! LOL "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Fernando Elizondo | 2/24/2013

    " Insanely vulgar, but hilarious and poignant at the same time. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Noah | 12/28/2012

    " Very cute, funny and a quick read. Totally worth it! "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Cheryl | 8/3/2012

    " I read a lot of humour books and this one did make me laugh in quite a few places. What is good fun is not only the laughs but also how smart and loving the relationship is btwn Justin and his dad. A fast read that leaves you wanting more! "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Kerry | 7/13/2012

    " This was a fast read and very entertaining. I read it through in one sitting. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Joe Natoli | 7/2/2012

    " The funniest, laugh-out-loud-until-you-can't-breathe book I have ever read, period. I still have pain in my side from the experience... "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Eli | 4/2/2012

    " ehhhh i stopped laughing after 10 pages "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Anecia | 10/8/2011

    " This was a very quick read. It was truly funny and well written. Justins dad reminded me a lot of my own dad. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Dawn Stockbridge | 10/8/2011

    " Hilarious! Wish more parents would talk to their kids like the dad (maybe without the cursing). We live in a society of kids who have never been told they are not the best at EVERYTHING! How will these kids function in the real world? "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Mary Judith | 8/20/2011

    " witty and irreverent but insightful. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jennifer | 5/21/2011

    " I laughed so hard it hurt. He reminds me of my dad, who will be getting this book for his birthday. "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Karen | 5/21/2011

    " Good thing Justin Halpern has the coping skills to step back and absorb his father's intent, not just his delivery. Makes me appreciate my own father even more. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Breanne | 5/20/2011

    " I thought this was just going to be a collection of tweets, so I was surprised that there was actual content. Really funny and touching stories about a dad who seems like kind of a hardass, but genuinely loves his son and I ended up enjoying this much more than I thought I would. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 John | 5/19/2011

    " As funny as you've heard, but much better than you would think. It's not just about how his dad is crazy; in fact, it's clear pretty quickly that his dad is NOT crazy, but actually a very good parent-- if very, very blunt. "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Makana | 5/19/2011

    " Very simply written, although a funny book. "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Soraya | 5/19/2011

    " Laughed out loud so much reading this book, loved it :D "

  • 4 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 54 out of 5 Ali | 5/18/2011

    " Hilarious. Read it in two days. Do not read this book anywhere where silence is expected. Like in bed next to a sleeping spouse!! "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Edna | 5/17/2011

    " So it's not meant to be some deep, meaningful memoir of a man with his father, and thank goodness it isn't! It's reassurance that ALL of our dads are normal, in their own quirky, outrageous ways. This book was hilarious!! :o) "

  • 5 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 55 out of 5 Jon-Kyle | 5/17/2011

    " This book is definitely worth reading. It's a very quick read, but the book itself is incredible. (I might come back and add more to this review later) "

  • 3 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 53 out of 5 Laurie | 5/17/2011

    " I got a few chuckles. "

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About the Author
Author Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern created a Twitter account as a way to archive his father’s no-holds-barred, expletive-ridden words of wisdom in the summer of 2009. Within a month, @shitmydadsays became an Internet sensation. More than 2.5 million people currently follow Sam Halpern’s musings on Twitter and Facebook alone. Justin’s first book, Sh*t My Dad Says, a collection of essays about growing up with his unapologetically honest father, is a #1 New York Times bestseller. Justin is also the creator of $#*! My Dad Says, a sitcom starring William Shatner, Nicole Sullivan, Will Sasso, and Jonathan Sadowski. He serves as the show’s coexecutive producer along with his writing partner Patrick Schumacker. Justin currently splits his time between Los Angeles and his parents’ home in San Diego.